Steve's Valentines Day Gift Guide

Happy Thursday Everyone! Looks like my husband has graced us with his presence again. He wanted to break down for all of us what Valentines really means to him and probably most men out there. I suggest you put down your coffee or swallow any food that might currently be in your mouth so you don't spit it out from laughing. Haha.

Valentine’s Day to a husband is more like D-Day to many guys.  If you don’t pick the correct path by pure luck, you end up eating sand whilst the enemy takes verbal (yet vailed) potshots at you from afar.  To put our success rate in terms of odds, I’m going with 3:1 against but that’s not what this is about.

This is about what Valentine’s day really means.  First, its not a damn “Holiday” for anyone with a penis.  Secondly, the pressure feels like Cupid’s arrow didn’t hit me in the heart.  Last but not least; it’s not just a Hallmark event.  No one, not even the women would argue the historical inaccuracy of this farce but that isn’t really relevant here.

Simply put; V-Day is the first Test day of the year.  I have learned that every woman has her own tests and it is OUR job to figure out what the questions are going to be.  It can be a written exam (ie, written confirmations of love), an oral exam with spoken words of affirmation (this can sometimes be a two part portion but if you get to the 2nd part you’re pretty much home), or it can be a visual test which would include overpriced shiny sh** that costs a lot.  Either way, we are talking major hassle trying to figure this sh** out. 

Men hate hassles, but we also love our wives (this is entirely false for “everyone” but the ones that don’t love their wives fall into the not applicable “don’t give a damn category”).  Aside from those annoying bastards that go all out on Valentine’s Day every year (if that’s you; you suck), the rest of us just want to let our wives know we care without completely surrendering our dignity to a fat baby with a sadistic arrow fetish.

We do this in 2 main ways:

1.       We create our own bell curve: When the wives are done texting each other and sharing our respective scores, we find out who has the lowest grade and target him like a fat kid in a dodgeball game.  Then we find that A-Hole who made the mixed tape and we have our 2 ends of the curve. We simply find a way to get in the middle.

2.       We spread the hassle and we do it over 5 Holidays.  The weight of the overall score is determined by YOUR wife and YOUR wife only (plus the other 5 girls on the group text).  It took me 8 years but mine essentially looks like this:

a.       V-Day                                10%

b.       Mother’s Day                   10% (Another real hassle:  She ain’t my Mom)

c.       Birthday                            25% (My wife is like a 7 year old every year with BDays)

d.       Anniversary                     25% (This one is probably higher and I need to do better here)

e.       Christmas                         30% (This is where we either celebrate Jesus' birthday or mourn our failure for the year)

My point in all of this is cut your guy some slack and don’t get worried until you get to your anniversary and still haven't gotten so much as a crayon written sticky note.  I’m out of town for VDay this year so even if Tracy sends flowers for me; it’s a Zero by default.  Thank God I got a guy and his name is Mack. He is our good friend and Atlanta's premier custom jewelry designer and owns the Regal Collection in Buckhead. Tell them Steve Gosnell sent you and you will be treated like royalty. His showroom has some amazing shiny sh** when I need something more than a double off the wall. Luckily, there's the curve and 50% is smack dab in the middle.